And while the removal of hope from my internal world would be incredibly painful, it would not change my day-to-day because he was already gone. There were just three points:Īt the same time as I was confronting my greatest fear-that the person I loved could easily leave me without any regret-I was simultaneously able to recognize that I was already living without him. Right below this, however, was a list titled Worst Case Scenario. I couldn’t help but smile as my second dog, a foster-fail with my current partner, pitter-pattered around the apartment.) I commended my past self for looking at the positives while still actively drowning in the negatives. ” (The bullet points included: Didn’t want a second dog, didn’t want to keep fostering. The first of which was titled, “ How He Held Me Back. Past Me had started off the journal with a variety of lists meant to help me process my feelings. Pain and anguish leapt off the page, but so did a determination to get better. My heart broke for the past version of me who missed him so much, she thought she might explode.Įven though I’m the one who wrote everything in that journal, it felt like I was being nosey or invading someone else’s privacy as I read through it. And what I saw inside those pages did make my heart ache-but not for my ex-fiance. It was a notebook I had started right after my abandonment. So I kept going and that’s when I finally found the item that stopped me in my tracks. Instead, I just felt a burning desire to finish packing. At the version of my life that got ripped away from me one random Monday night in 2020. Surely, I would feel a twinge of heartache at my lost future. I might be in a happy and healthy new relationship, but that doesn’t mean I am immune from feeling pain. Easy solve! Emotional breakdown avoided! Until I started to clean out my other closet and found a handwritten list of all the guests I had planned to invite to our wedding that never happened.Īs I stared at the list, I waited to feel something. Did my discovery of this item mean I had to return it? Was I going to have to break our unofficial no contact rule just to be polite ? Within a few moments I came to my senses, picked up the oversized bag and dumped it down the trash chute. It’s looming figure was unfamiliar and it took a moment for me to realize what I was looking at: My ex-fiancé-in his mad-dash scramble to move out of our shared apartment and never see me again-had left behind a large camping backpack filled with supplies.
While I was power packing up my apartment that I’ve lived in for almost 8 years, my heart skipped a beat as I noticed something in the back of one of my closets.
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